have been putting off this blog post since the moment we got back from Phoenix. It is not because I am being lazy or dont want to, it is because I am frustrated. I went into our trip already on a bad note. Well not necessarily a bad note, but I was not in the frame of mind that I wanted to be in. I felt as though the material was not affecting me the way it should be. I did not leave class feeling exceptionally upset or dark. It did not really phase me. We talked one day in class about trivialization and that actually made me feel a lot better. To know that learning about genocide so much could affect my outlook made me more optimistic about our trip. All week I waited and waited to feel something more than I had felt in class and it just never happened. And then to hear everyone else’s reactions made me more frustrated. To hear 12 people talk about how the week changed their lives further highlighted how it didnt change mine. To just say that makes me mad. We met amazing people, heard unbelievable stories; it should have changed me. Everyone else hates talking about it because they cannot fully explain what they experienced. I hate talking about it because I dont feel like that. Everyone that I have shared this frustration with says, well you have seen so much, been so many places, heard so many different stories. Yes, I have, but that should not make this less impactful. Is there a limit on how many life changing experiences someone can have?
Is this whiteness and privileged? I so badly want to say that I do not have a lot of whiteness. I do not think that I am someone who looks down upon others of thinks less of those who are not like me. But if not whiteness, that what is this?
I was hoping that class last week would help me feel better about all of this but it didn’t. And then I stopped listening (sorry Aaron). It wasnt because I was trying to be rude it was because I felt defeated. Everyone tried to tell me that it was ok. That I am frustrated which is some sort of impact. That I am not totally indifferent. But I have a hard time accepting that. To me, not being affected is indifference. Our whole mission is to erase indifference yet I cannot do it myself. It is not that I want to be indifferent. How can I want to feel some way and not be able to make it happen?
I have been hesitant to write this and talk about it because it is really putting myself out there (which is not something I am typically comfortable with). I don’t want to be the hypocrite or the downer. I do not want to offend anyone or seem like this class or erase indifference doesn’t mean anything to me. It does mean a lot to me. I truly hope that in the next few weeks something will happen that will help me be more on the same page as everyone else. To see how much everyone cares, how much Aaron cares is inspiring. I want to be moved and changed. And I am sad to say that I may need to accept the fact that that just may not happen.