My frustration is overwhelming. I sit here trying to think about writing my auto ethnography and all I can see is the negative. I know there were times on the trip I was moved and touched and passionate. And I know I care. I know that I want to make a difference. I know that Genocide is a terrible act and needs to be stopped. But in reality I can’t bring myself to act on it. I am over committed to too many classes, organizations, projects; to too many things that I deeply care about. I want to be an advocate. I want to use my experience to educate others, to do something proactive but I just don’t have the time or energy. And equally as frustrating is my continued lack of affectedness. I want desperately to feel the passion everyone else does, to feel the shock and awe from the stories we heard, to feel like my eyes were opened, to feel impacted in some way. But I just don’t. I don’t want to write my ethnography not because I don’t want to do the work but because I feel like my negatives so far outweigh my positives. Aaron keeps saying that it is fine. That this is a huge hurdle that advocates need to overcome, that trivialization happens but I don’t want to share my feelings with the world because I am disappointed in myself. I don’t want the world to hear my side because I don’t want it to be ok. I want to have a personal journey but I don’t. I have been stuck in this same place for the entire semester. And I know there are times that I wrote in my journal that I was feeling more positive or more motivated but to me that was just a positive, quickly disappearing phase. Yes, I did get some positives out of this class but I feel like they are somewhat trivial. It reaffirmed the belief that I have always had that classes of this nature are more conducive to learning. I made a great group of friends, I had an amazing professor, I learned about something I did not know about before. But to me that wasn’t the point of taking the class. I guess now that I think about it, I don’t know what my purpose in taking the class was. Why did I sign up? What did I hope to gain from it? I just don’t know. And I am very glad that I did take the class but I think that part of the reason I am frustrated is surprisingly because I did not have any expectations. Most people say not to have expectations because if you have them they can be broken. But for me I think part of the reason I am so frustrated is because I don’t know what I hoped to gain. There is not light at the end of my dark tunnel because I don’t know what I wanted the light to be.
Reading the auto ethnography questions over again, I am conflicted. I just said that I don’t want to write it because I don’t want to share my frustration. But on the other hand, I do not want to be fake. I want it to accurately portray my experience and I feel like if I pick a few key stories, key impactful moments, my paper will for lack of a better description, be more positive than I feel. Aaron said to write it like a piece we read in class a few weeks ago. The author intertwined two different aspects of her story to get her overarching message across. I could do that, comparing my external experiences with my internal but I am afraid that my internal is always the same. And I do not know what my overarching message is. What action am I calling people to do?